Last night while going through the piles of papers in our house I discovered something that broke my heart. A paper that my daughter had written for her school writing test. The title of it was "If I could be anyone for the day I would be my sister". She went on to state the reasons and each one made me feel so helpless.
I chose to be my sister because she helps my mom. She does kktv, and she is a marvelous singer. I never knew that she could sing that well. I really want to play the violin too, but my mom said that I can't play it. My sister plays the violin. Sometimes I wish that I were taller. My sister is taller than me.
The first thing is that she is excellent at everything that I am good at. I wish that I was wonderful at cheerleading because she will get all my friends. Sometimes I can't believe she is so good at it. It makes me mad at her. Maybe she can teach me the violin. Then I can be good at something too. I can teach my sister the clarinet. So I can be a great sister too. I know some games that she doesn't. Maybe I can teach them to her.
Finally, I'd rather be my sister because she doesn't have autism. She is a better writer than me. I like my sister and I will always like her. Oh I forgot that she is nice.
Reading a glimpse of how she feels about herself and her little sister broke my heart. I will now spring into action to correct that view because I see her doing anything that she puts her mind to and not just doing it well, but doing it with all her heart. Each one of my kids is a blessing and I love them equally. Would not like to have them all be the same.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I Left My Heart In San Francisco
One more look at Facebook before I roll over and turn the lights out. It's 11:45 pm here and morning there. What would I be doing if I was there? I let my mind wander to the possibilities. Maybe taking a walk up the street to say good morning to the nice couple at the bakery. Remembering that when I ask "how are you" I will get a true answer of what is going on in their lives. I could be walking along the Rhine river enjoying the morning air and the atmosphere around me. Maybe looking at a bus schedule to take me someplace new. Talking with the people that at first meeting felt like family. Our language being only a small barrier between us as we both stumble to talk different languages. The kind man at the city market that wanted us to taste the fruits of his country.
The beauty of a country that in all my years growing up was held as a bad place with horrible people. My heart is there and I can not forget those images of not just a country, but people that were so kind to an outsider. I guess that's why the song "I left My Heart In San Francisco" comes to my mind so often. I believe that a part of my heart is still in Germany. A country that I felt very much at home, but I am learning that my true home is in Heaven and not on this earth. I will go where He wants me to go and do what He wants me to do. Until the day I truly go home.
Friday, February 25, 2011
By Faith
A woman who had had a hemorrhage for 12 years, and had endured much at the hands of many physicians, and had spent all that she had and was not helped at all, but rather grew worse-Mark 5:25-26
Came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His cloak; for she was saying to herself, "If I only touch His garment, I will get well." But Jesus turning and seeing her said, "Daughter, take courage; your faith has made you well." At once the woman was made well. Mathew 9:20-22
My mother passed away almost 12 years ago. It was a very difficult time for me. I had a 2year old son and another child on the way. I remember sitting with my mom and discussing names for the baby. I couldn't wait to hold that baby in my arms. Mom passed away in April and 3 weeks later so did my little one. We're not sure if it was the stress or just complications. When I went in for my check up afterwords the doctor told me I had tons of cysts, and that's when my battle with heavy bleeding and endometriosis began.
One night a friend of mine sat and talked with me about her experience. That brought me to the point of thinking that it's been almost 12 years now that all this began. On the many nights where I honestly thought it was the end for me, is when I reached out harder for God. When our church said that they were going to go to Israel and do baptisms in the Jordon River I thought that was God telling me to go and be healed. When I felt God giving me a scripture in James about going before the elders of the church and being annointed with oil for my healing, I did. I don't like attention and this was very hard for me to do.
I found a doctor that was willing to listen to me about all the pain I was in. Immediately he started going in and doing surgery to repair the damage. We soon found out that this could be a yearly thing only getting worse with each surgery because of scar tissue. For 8 years in a row now I have had this done. Still no healing. God has given me the faith that He will heal me.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
This is what He gave to me. I had never heard it before and decided to hold on with everything I have.
Last year I changed doctors to get a fresh view of things. She basically said the same thing as the last one, but was willing to try harder than he was. I have one ovary left and if they remove it the chances of me having a heart attack go through the roof because my age and rejection to drugs. Last year when I had surgery we planned on using our tax refund to pay for it. BUT we had a car accident and ended up using all the money we had to buy a new car. Still owing for the last surgery I couldn't go see the doctor again. Then my husband got laid off from work due to no work at the plant. Insurance just went out the door. The pain just to walk through the grocery store or even sit on a comfy couch is unbearable. I am tired from being in so much pain. My prayer life became stronger as I cried out to God that I trusted he would heal me. My family at Oasis community responded to God's prodding and gave from their hearts. My husband got a call from work saying that the plant was closing down for good in June, but wanted him back until then. Insurance starts back up immediately. Calling the doctor to find out when I can get in was not easy. They were looking at almost 2 months out just to see me. I cried out to God again in the middle of Walmart with my tears. The next day talking to the hospital they pushed it up a month. Already looking at plans for surgery.
I look at the verses about the woman who bleed for 12 years and tried everything, and cry because God said "your faith has made you well." Trusting in my faith. I'm going to have that last ovary removed and keep the faith that God has a plan for me. A future and a hope. How can I deny the fact that God has been there every step of the way. I am stronger for those things that I have gone through.
Came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His cloak; for she was saying to herself, "If I only touch His garment, I will get well." But Jesus turning and seeing her said, "Daughter, take courage; your faith has made you well." At once the woman was made well. Mathew 9:20-22
My mother passed away almost 12 years ago. It was a very difficult time for me. I had a 2year old son and another child on the way. I remember sitting with my mom and discussing names for the baby. I couldn't wait to hold that baby in my arms. Mom passed away in April and 3 weeks later so did my little one. We're not sure if it was the stress or just complications. When I went in for my check up afterwords the doctor told me I had tons of cysts, and that's when my battle with heavy bleeding and endometriosis began.
One night a friend of mine sat and talked with me about her experience. That brought me to the point of thinking that it's been almost 12 years now that all this began. On the many nights where I honestly thought it was the end for me, is when I reached out harder for God. When our church said that they were going to go to Israel and do baptisms in the Jordon River I thought that was God telling me to go and be healed. When I felt God giving me a scripture in James about going before the elders of the church and being annointed with oil for my healing, I did. I don't like attention and this was very hard for me to do.
I found a doctor that was willing to listen to me about all the pain I was in. Immediately he started going in and doing surgery to repair the damage. We soon found out that this could be a yearly thing only getting worse with each surgery because of scar tissue. For 8 years in a row now I have had this done. Still no healing. God has given me the faith that He will heal me.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
This is what He gave to me. I had never heard it before and decided to hold on with everything I have.
Last year I changed doctors to get a fresh view of things. She basically said the same thing as the last one, but was willing to try harder than he was. I have one ovary left and if they remove it the chances of me having a heart attack go through the roof because my age and rejection to drugs. Last year when I had surgery we planned on using our tax refund to pay for it. BUT we had a car accident and ended up using all the money we had to buy a new car. Still owing for the last surgery I couldn't go see the doctor again. Then my husband got laid off from work due to no work at the plant. Insurance just went out the door. The pain just to walk through the grocery store or even sit on a comfy couch is unbearable. I am tired from being in so much pain. My prayer life became stronger as I cried out to God that I trusted he would heal me. My family at Oasis community responded to God's prodding and gave from their hearts. My husband got a call from work saying that the plant was closing down for good in June, but wanted him back until then. Insurance starts back up immediately. Calling the doctor to find out when I can get in was not easy. They were looking at almost 2 months out just to see me. I cried out to God again in the middle of Walmart with my tears. The next day talking to the hospital they pushed it up a month. Already looking at plans for surgery.
I look at the verses about the woman who bleed for 12 years and tried everything, and cry because God said "your faith has made you well." Trusting in my faith. I'm going to have that last ovary removed and keep the faith that God has a plan for me. A future and a hope. How can I deny the fact that God has been there every step of the way. I am stronger for those things that I have gone through.
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