Ranting- an old post

When did the partial truth become acceptable to God's people? I am confused and saddened by my brothers and sisters in Christ that support movies about God's word and yet twist and turn it or leave it out all together. They have even gone to adding things that are not true and go against everything that God is. What bothers me most is the churches that encourage you to go see such things. They are to be the leaders and are to know His word inside and out. Rant over.

Longing for loved ones

Have you ever woke up hearing a song in your head? Maybe the alarm goes off with a tune and you reach over and hit the snooze button and fall back to sleep, but this time you are singing the song that was from your alarm. Maybe I am the only one that does such a thing. These days I use my cell phone as an alarm and I can't seem to figure out how to get it to play music. It just has all these annoying bells and dongs that make you feel like you're waking up in a church or a subway in some foreign land. I guess what I am getting to is that yesterday I woke up hearing a song in my head. One that brought back a memory of my grandma. I could hear her husky voice with a strong vibrato singing to the Lord as she was getting breakfast ready on the farm. I would sleep in the living room and each morning this would be my wake up call. Her voice was deep and calming. She had a love for God that shone through everything she did and said. That voice that I would hear first thing in the morning will stick with me until it's my turn to go home. Anyway, I got up out of bed and hit the shower and still that song and her voice stuck with me. I miss her and my mom so much these days as I see my children growing up. I want to ask them questions about when they were my age and how they handled certain situations. It hurts to not have that connection to them. One would think that after my mom being gone for 16 years and grandma for over a year things would get better, but they have almost gotten worse. What helps me get through it are those last moments as both of them left this earth. My mom was a daddy's girl and he had died 13 years before her. I know she missed him terribly although she never said anything to me. As the ambulance came to take my mom away the night she died I remember her asking where dad was. We told her that he was right here and put my dad's hand in hers, but she kept asking. That is when I knew that she wasn't asking us about my dad, but someone on the other side where her dad was. This has always given me peace that we will never die alone. Someone is on the other side waiting to take our hand. Grandma past away a little over a year ago. I had seen her a few months before at Christmas time and she didn't recognize me or my children. This was really hard for me to take because I needed her at the times I missed mom most. I knew it wouldn't be long before she too would be gone. I was right in that thinking. A few months later my dad was in the hospital recovering from quad-bypass surgery and I got the call to come and say goodbye to my grandma because she was failing fast. I wanted to go really bad, but every time that I left my dad I would come back to them telling me something had happened while I was gone. I don't know where my dad will spend eternity and so I don't have that peace that I will someday see him again. Grandma had heaven written all over her and I said my goodbyes the last time that I saw her. Still when that call came to me at the hospital that she had left this earth I felt such a loss. In that tiny room I had nowhere to go to grieve and be alone. I turned my back from the door and looked out the window so that nobody would see me crying. There was a park across the street, and in the trees I could see my grandfathers face. He was so special to me that I named my first son after him. It had been years since I had seen his face even in my dreams. I was 12 when he passed away, but that is another story. I could see him and he began to smile. He always had this handsome smile that I loved so much. It was so good to see that smile again. I was in pain and longed for family to comfort me. There he was in the trees smiling and reaching out his hand and I suddenly knew why he was smiling. I knew that she was there taking his hand and joining him for eternity. I didn't get to see her, but I knew that she was where she longed to be, and that when it is my time to go my family will be there waiting for me. I have peace about all that and nobody can take that away from me. Until then I can continue to hear her voice in the hymns and see my mom in my dreams and know that Grandpa is waiting with a smile. A year later my dad is still plugging along and I'm still not sure of his salvation.

I just finished reading a book called "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo and listening to the author of "90 minutes in Heaven" Don Piper. I am a huge skeptic when it comes to things like this because nobody knows what Heaven is like. I now believe that God gives us what we need when we need it and that we are to share our experiences with one another to encourage each other. I have seen and heard enough to know that this life is not the end, but just a starting point.
 

Believe

Sometimes we write things to ourselves that just keeps coming back to us. Tonight it was this one.

January 11, 2012

We have started a new adventure with God this year. I find it very scary as we step out in faith and trust that God is with us. Thomas and I felt like God was asking us to bring him home and work on Hearts2gether Marriage Ministry in a full time way. It is slow going and at times frustrating, but we know that this is His ministry and not ours. As of yesterday I went into full blown panic mode. We decided to stop getting unemployment checks and just rely on God for odd jobs or an income. Thomas has worked and not gotten paid and does not know when he will. That makes it hard for us to budget. It also means that we need to have faith that God knows what we need and when we need it. I went to the mail today hoping for a birthday card with $5 in it so I can get some gas and found a card that I had written to myself around this time last year. Struggling with the feelings about getting a stupid letter from myself I opened it and this is what it said:

Marta what you have learned this weekend is to lead when God calls you to. Stand and Believe in what God says to you. Remember the feeling of Him holding your chin and asking you to look only at Him. Marta you better have read that book by now! Remember Girl Remember.

Marta (Child of God)

I get scared so often and think that this is what I want and not what God wants. I want to follow him, not myself. Stand and Believe and Remember. Those are powerful words to me as I don’t feel good enough to carry out big things for God. He chose me at this time to be here. I was looking for money and believing that God would put some in the mail, but I got something better than a $5 bill. I got God telling me that He’s here and knows my needs. The best part is that it was in my own words written by my own hand a year ago. Why do I struggle so with belief that this is His and not ours. And if it’s His wouldn’t He take care of all the details right down to the money, people and building. Lord help me to remember where I have come from. Blessings,

                                              Your Child

Prayer and answers

In my life Lord be glorified, be glorified.
In my life Lord be glorified today.

Yesterday my family plus my dad were all packed into the van like sardines. We were headed home from a weekend of camping. It was hot and we were all exhausted from all the fun boating and swimming. About 20 minutes into our 2 hour drive home the van decided to drop all gages and the check engine light goes on. Leaving us to panic about what was going on. My husband pulls over and turns off the van, waits and then turns it back on. The gages still didn't work. We are out in the middle of nowhere with barely any cell service and no money for a two hour tow home. It's Sunday and no shops are open. So we keep driving and I mentally get on my knees and start praying. He gave me peace saying hang on child. I continued to pray and plead with him to help heal the van. His word says that "we have not because we ask not" and I was asking for healing. The Lord be glorified because when I got done praying those words to Him the gages kicked on. Thomas turned to me and asked if I had been praying and indeed I had. We have learned that God works when we let Him. I say the Lord be glorified again because through all of our panic we never went after each other, as we have done in the past. In fact the family really didn't even know there was anything wrong. My children never needed to fear because I went to God first. Relied on him instead of others. In my life Lord be glorified today.

Sisterly love

Last night while going through the piles of papers in our house I discovered something that broke my heart. A paper that my daughter had written for her school writing test. The title of it was "If I could be anyone for the day I would be my sister". She went on to state the reasons and each one made me feel so helpless.
     I chose to be my sister because she helps my mom. She does kktv, and she is a marvelous singer. I never knew that she could sing that well. I really want to play the violin too, but my mom said that I can't play it. My sister plays the violin. Sometimes I wish that I were taller. My sister is taller than me.
     The first thing is that she is excellent at everything that I am good at. I wish that I was wonderful at cheerleading because she will get all my friends. Sometimes I can't believe she is so good at it. It makes me mad at her. Maybe she can teach me the violin. Then I can be good at something too. I can teach my sister the clarinet. So I can be a great sister too. I know some games that she doesn't. Maybe I can teach them to her.
     Finally, I'd rather be my sister because she doesn't have autism. She is a better writer than me. I like my sister and I will always like her. Oh I forgot that she is nice.

Reading a glimpse of how she feels about herself and her little sister broke my heart. I will now spring into action to correct that view because I see her doing anything that she puts her mind to and not just doing it well, but doing it with all her heart. Each one of my kids is a blessing and I love them equally. Would not like to have them all be the same.

I Left My Heart In San Francisco

One more look at Facebook before I roll over and turn the lights out. It's 11:45 pm here and morning there. What would I be doing if I was there? I let my mind wander to the possibilities. Maybe taking a walk up the street to say good morning to the nice couple at the bakery. Remembering that when I ask "how are you" I will get a true answer of what is going on in their lives. I could be walking along the Rhine river enjoying the morning air and the atmosphere around me. Maybe looking at a bus schedule to take me someplace new. Talking with the people that at first meeting felt like family. Our language being only a small barrier between us as we both stumble to talk different languages. The kind man at the city market that wanted us to taste the fruits of his country.

The beauty of a country that in all my years growing up was held as a bad place with horrible people. My heart is there and I can not forget those images of not just a country, but people that were so kind to an outsider. I guess that's why the song "I left My Heart In San Francisco" comes to my mind so often. I believe that a part of my heart is still in Germany. A country that I felt very much at home, but I am learning that my true home is in Heaven and not on this earth. I will go where He wants me to go and do what He wants me to do. Until the day I truly go home.

By Faith

A woman who had had a hemorrhage for 12 years, and had endured much at the hands of many physicians, and had spent all that she had and was not helped at all, but rather grew worse-Mark 5:25-26
Came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His cloak; for she was saying to herself, "If I only touch His garment, I will get well." But Jesus turning and seeing her said, "Daughter, take courage; your faith has made you well." At once the woman was made well. Mathew 9:20-22

My mother passed away almost 12 years ago. It was a very difficult time for me. I had a 2year old son and another child on the way. I remember sitting with my mom and discussing names for the baby. I couldn't wait to hold that baby in my arms. Mom passed away in April and 3 weeks later so did my little one. We're not sure if it was the stress or just complications. When I went in for my check up afterwords the doctor told me I had tons of cysts, and that's when my battle with heavy bleeding and endometriosis began.

One night a friend of mine sat and talked with me about her experience. That brought me to the point of thinking that it's been almost 12 years now that all this began. On the many nights where I honestly thought it was the end for me, is when I reached out harder for God. When our church said that they were going to go to Israel and do baptisms in the Jordon River I thought that was God telling me to go and be healed. When I felt God giving me a scripture in James about going before the elders of the church and being annointed with oil for my healing, I did. I don't like attention and this was very hard for me to do.
I found a doctor that was willing to listen to me about all the pain I was in. Immediately he started going in and doing surgery to repair the damage. We soon found out that this could be a yearly thing only getting worse with each surgery because of scar tissue. For 8 years in a row now I have had this done. Still no healing. God has given me the faith that He will heal me.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
This is what He gave to me. I had never heard it before and decided to hold on with everything I have.
Last year I changed doctors to get a fresh view of things. She basically said the same thing as the last one, but was willing to try harder than he was. I have one ovary left and if they remove it the chances of me having a heart attack go through the roof because my age and rejection to drugs. Last year when I had surgery we planned on using our tax refund to pay for it. BUT we had a car accident and ended up using all the money we had to buy a new car. Still owing for the last surgery I couldn't go see the doctor again. Then my husband got laid off from work due to no work at the plant. Insurance just went out the door. The pain just to walk through the grocery store or even sit on a comfy couch is unbearable. I am tired from being in so much pain. My prayer life became stronger as I cried out to God that I trusted he would heal me. My family at Oasis community responded to God's prodding and gave from their hearts. My husband got a call from work saying that the plant was closing down for good in June, but wanted him back until then. Insurance starts back up immediately. Calling the doctor to find out when I can get in was not easy. They were looking at almost 2 months out just to see me. I cried out to God again in the middle of Walmart with my tears. The next day talking to the hospital they pushed it up a month. Already looking at plans for surgery.

 I look at the verses about the woman who bleed for 12 years and tried everything, and cry because God said "your faith has made you well." Trusting in my faith. I'm going to have that last ovary removed and keep the faith that God has a plan for me. A future and a hope. How can I deny the fact that God has been there every step of the way. I am stronger for those things that I have gone through.